When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
unless you want this visit to have a different tone... more romantic, less molly in a hotel room
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
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