I saw his package. It spoke to me.
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
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