you remind me of a slightly lless slutty bristol palin
and you remind me of a slightly less retarded levi johnston
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
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