So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
you made out with another girl for some wings
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
Randomize
