who let me buy 6 packs of big league chew? and eat them all? thats not cool
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
Did I show you my penis last night?
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
So, I think my BF has slept with several of our sorority sisters
Well, now that you know, yes he has. We didn’t say anything because you seemed so happy. He’s a great guy and none of us have any hard feelings, but yeah, we’re all very familiar with his penis and it’s talents
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