I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
He's been dancing to the same Rob Thomas album in his room for almost 8 hours now. Please never, ever bring extacy over here again.
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
I just found pizaa roll in my hair. Already been to class today
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
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