And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
I started drinking at around 8.. Started heavily drinking around 815.
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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