he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
Randomize
