babies were throwing up all over the place
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
What's the protocol for seeing the two girls you've been sleeping with in the store WHILE buying condoms?
3some
You're right, stupid question.
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize
