My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
Randomize
