I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
