come outside for a special surprise it involves huge boobs
Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Randomize
