The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
