Don't make out with my wife yet
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
On the bad side I puked, but on the bright side I puked lettuce which was a new experiance
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
Ive done some fucked up shit, but last night was the first I have Poured milk on anothers mans face in the shower.
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
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