I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
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