no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
Randomize
