sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Randomize
