I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
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