complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
just go where the car takes you. fingers crossed its here with breakfast.
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Randomize
