Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
I saw a classic trojan enz laying on his desk. So he's probably not into the kinky shit.
IM BACK TOGETHER WITH MY BF AND HERE YOU ARE SUCKING DICK FROM 2009
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
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