I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
Pot didnt help. Now Im even sadder but now im afraid of the clouds and the crickets.
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
he asked me if i would dance for him to make it easier for him to jack off. does that answer your question.
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
It was a shot marathon. It only ended because we werent drinking in our house apparently we walked into the nieghbors. When they got home thy were soooooo pissed.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
I am available for nakedness
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
Randomize
