This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
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