My place. Tomorrow Night. Bring your liver, and something for it to do.
So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
The way I see it, if i don't fail the midterm and blow off some of the projects, how else am I going to get motivated to study for the final ?
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize