I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
Well my ankle is fucked up, everytime it pops I have a reminder of $200. Jager bomb night and the day we began to rebuild our friendship.
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
Randomize