What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
Randomize
