There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
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