Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
I don't care how ugly she is, I can't turn down a free movie +bj. In this economy that's downright irresponsible
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
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