Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
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After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
I bet her clit looks like pig in a blanket.
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
Most guys don't get turned on by "skinny, gangly legged girl with glasses laying in bed touching herself." You better start working on your diction if you're gonna keep up the sexting.
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
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