my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
was it good sex?
i mean it was good for how drunk we were. and for how big the closet was
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
I just got carded by a ten year old.
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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