I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
Are you with Adam and his vodka?
Yeswdsssss I masde his pickle gi away ans he go anbnoued
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
Randomize
