my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
Thank you for not boning my boss.
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
Randomize
