If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
He would only do it doggy style. The "he's probably gay" debate rages on...
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
Of course I have a pirate flag
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
I've sent two unsolicited tit pictures in less than 24 hours. I'm the female version of a fuckboy.
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
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