I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
I was scared of Debbie's boobs today. They were all huge and scary looking
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
the chair was smiling at me in sociology and i had to try not to burst out laughing.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
she screamed"i told you already! counter clockwise spiral and the clockwise spiral!!" right in the middle of sex
wow, i never thought dating a choreographer would be so harsh
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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