I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
