My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
i was laying in her brothers bed, in his old room. and i kept getting the chills. i didn't know if it was a draft or the ghosts of BJ's past.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
Randomize
