Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
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