his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
Desperately trying not to throw up over the side of the ferry back to CT. Can't be the first one of the season.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
I have grass duct taped all over my body
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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