i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
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