You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
He gave me a hug and said "He doesn't deserve you, Anna. Your boobs are great, and I'd fuck you anytime. Any. Place." I need a new 'gay' friend.
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
Are sex swings allowed in dorms
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize