I am midnight drunk by noon
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
i'm soo broke, the only trip i can afford for spring break is acid
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
Randomize
