dude chill. it wont be anything like your seventh grade birthday party.
she was using a pencil to fish crushed adderall out of a plastic bag. it was like a college version of fun dip
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
Randomize
