When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
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