Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
Randomize
