i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Randomize
