Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
what if every blade of grass was a penis?
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
Randomize
