well if you came here i would keep you awake :*
did you just kiss me??? ... dude, im not gay
How you know a guy is gay: they say they would want money, not sexual favors, from emma watson
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
Just watched two people have sex in the pool. Hope you enjoy your yeast infection courtesy of the comfort inn.
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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