You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
I don't even know why I got my vag waxed
Ugh, tell me about it. As each day passes and the hair grows more, I get a little more depressed.
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
we were sitting in the bathtub when she came in with her grandpas cane adn beat us until lindsay passed out
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
First I must say that I am disappointed to learn that you knowingly have trashy friends with whom you've not hooked me up.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
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