Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
come outside for a special surprise it involves huge boobs
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Randomize
