tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
Pretty sure my first birthday present will be a pic of an 18-year-old's cock. And I am OK with that
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
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