I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
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