I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
What a dumb baby whore.
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
can i get licensed in dentistry online like a priest
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
Randomize
