Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
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