How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
The girl next to me in class is taking notes on woman's suffrage with a girls gone wild pen.
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
Randomize
