K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
Randomize
