And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
yeah. and then it was like the room of requirement. the elevator just opened for our threesome.
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
Randomize
