Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
I woke up in a beaver hat and contruction vest.. I need answers.
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
