I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
The last thing I remember is sitting in a chair and him hand feeding me bell peppers
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
I think we might need a safe word for this...
Randomize
