Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
We all need desperate help. Maybe we should just become a group of people who walk around town and shit in peoples air vents
I'm down.
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
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