i already hear my dad disowning me
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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