Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
told my boyfriend i was a virgin so he wouldnt feel bad since he is. now hes asking why his dick is so itchy. should i tell him why?
i don't see why you should, it's not like you told the other guys with the itchy dicks.
see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
i really wish i had a remote for my computer. its all the way on my bed while im across the hall puking my brains out to enya. not cool.
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
We talked him into tasing himself.
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
