I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
yes, too bad my tears were being wiped away by tits in my face
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
kool aid jammers and 151...our childhood has officially been corrupted.
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Randomize
