i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
Fiestas. Its like a classier verson of mardi gras.
i just bought plan b at the bus station. happy holidays and welcome to a new level of white trashiness.
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
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