My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
There's a naked man in my car right now.
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
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