I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
Lol it's kinda hilarious. I left missing one glass... guage. I feel like Cinderella... but less classy.
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