I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
Blow job season was short but glorious.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
Randomize
