the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
Randomize
